Diario de esimnons, 19 oct. 11

What a day - still don't want to do any work!!!! it has gotten pretty cool here and I LOVE it. it is gray outside but I still enjoy knowing that it is 'sweater weather' :) last night, i went through almost all my drawers and a box full of summer stuff. itried everything on and if it did dot fit, it went into a pile. if it fit, and I wanted it, I put it in a box for storage. Winter stuff got put into the drawers and i bagged up the big stuff and took it to the Victims services place at lunch today. Yippee. They got a bunch of stuff and I got rid of a bunch of things I would put on if my gut started to get bigger again.... This was a win for everyone. I don't want 'fat' clothes in my house anymore. it is too easy to say I will just wear these pants because they are not as tight and uncomfortable... then keep eating until those are tight and move up another size. you don't realize what you are doing if you don't have to buy new clothes when you do it... Anyway, that was a good thing for me to do and i have much more left to do. I have a problem with clothes - I buy way too many. And I keep them forever. no matter what i weigh, my tops are always large or XL becvause I have big boobs that don't get smaller when I do. SO, I have sweaters that i bought in the 80s and 90s. I can still ear them and sometimes do. Anyway, I am trying to get rid of them some... I just want some space in my closet!!

I had been trying to find a pair of jeans. I bought them when I fist met my husband and i was at my smallest. They are cruel girl jeans and I don't care much for them but he liked them. I finally found them. Come to find out, they are size 11 jeans. I must have already started going back up when i bought them... I put them on and they are actually a bit loose. My Gap Size 8's fit me the best now but I a always scared to put them on in case they are tight. My brain just will not accept that they fit me. Oh well... Someday it will figure this all out :) The thing is, a size 8 has alays been my goal. ialwasy thought i would not look good at a size 6 or smaller. now, I am there but i am still fat. Really fat when you look at the scale. And when you look at me naked. I dont need to get into a smaller size but still need to lose weight and fat. it is a quandry for sure. As I said yesterday, I believe it is time to build muscle and forget about the weight. not that I don't believe I need to check the scale and still lose pounds but I need to loose them in the right way and in the right places.

All this talk is really me just psyching myself up to get to it. Good intentions and all that. I know everyone has the same amount of time in a day. We all make our choices of what to do with it. Some may be able to plan and just get right to it. others have to fret about it a while and eas into change. I am the latter. i fret and fret and fret. i make excuses upon excuses. I can list so may reasons why i don't have time to get to the gym or do exercises. The truth is that i am lazy i guess. i don't want to really change my lifestyle. Changing my WOE was easy... this is not. This takes actual movement on my part and change in the way i live my life. I don't live this way because it is hard ... it is easy to live as I do. it is the way i want to live. Just as it is easy to eat the candy bar because i want to eat it and it tastes good. My life is easy on me. i want to scream that i am not ready to change it. it has worked for me this far. I am scared to change it. What if i don't get the results I want in the gym? What if it hurts? What if I get so hot looking that I am tempted by other men? The only times I had 'boyfriends' in my past were times when I had been going to the gym. maybe that is what I am scared of.... Who knows. but there is something that is paralyzing me...

i will change. i will rearrange the 24 hours of my life and figure out how to fit this in. i will do it.... I must do it.... Somehow i am going to find the motivation to jump this hurdle and get my sweat on. Easy is rarely the best thing for us. i know that. Somehow i am going to get going. i dont want to read this journal next month and still be saying the same things. I will overcome this fear and paralysis that has total control over me right now. Why is 'just do it' such a difficult phrase!!!???

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1630 kcal

Grasa: 111,61g | Prot: 94,54g | Carbh: 25,63g.   Desayuno: Heavy Whipping Cream, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds) , sargento sharp cheddar cheese stick, Heavy Whipping Cream, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds) . Almuerzo: meatball, baby spinach, pepper rings, Bacon Ranch Salad Dressing, Tomatoes, Egg, Kiwi Fruit, Iceberg Lettuce (Includes Crisphead Types) , chicken breast, Blue Cheese. Cena: Riesling Wine, Cheese Wedges, Beef Steak. Pasa Bocas / Otros: water, water, water. más...