Diario de esimnons, 02 nov. 11

If they (the kids) are being picked up, does that mean they are coming to where you are? If so, why do you have to go at all? Just curious. Seems it would save you money (on food anyhow) and time and stress to be the one waiting at home. I'm sure you are doing it to be supportive, but if the support is normally one-sided, then you feel resentment. They aren't YOUR kids, so it's not your responsibility to make that trip. You are only making the trip to benefit DH. And if it's not appreciated what's the point? 

That is a tough situation. Maybe it is time to think about doing things differently? I don't know the specifics here for ages of the kids & how many & all that, so if they could fly to you, or take a train or bus? Do you have to make the trip to go pick them up because you help with the driving? I spent years & years dreading the holidays, that really is hard on you & your relationship. You are right, think happy thoughts! 

I'm gonna ask a bunch of questions that are none of my business! So feel free to not answer if you want ;) So, how long have you and your husband been married? How many times at the 'holidays' have you made this trip? Do you see the kids at other times of the year also? How old are the kids, and how many of them are there? How do the kids feel about being 'picked up' and taken away from home for the holidays? Have you guys ever explored doing any of this differently? (for example: could you put the kids on a plane to you cheaper? or basically the same cost? - less your time, frustration, etc.) The reason I ask all of this, is because I have my two oldest children from a first marriage. Got married originally very young. (19) And while the two were extremely young - that marriage ended in divorce, and I got remarried w/in a year of that. (25) By the time my kids were old enough to really talk w/ me about what 'they' wanted... they were also afraid of hurting their Dad's feelings and not wanting to create disappointment, and distance (even moreso than already existed) in the relationships..so they kept going when plans would be made. Eventually they resisted. Even grew to feel resentful. Because to them, it seemed as though this was a total inconvenience to his new family (stepmom and stepbrother) - and it always left them feeling like they were getting their 'allotted time'...not time their Dad 'really wanted' with them...but time he felt 'obligated' to spend. That was the last Christmas they spent w/ him. (they were 10 & 12.) I had an adult conversation w/ him - and from there on out, the kids were asked to think about it, extended the invitation if one was made, but they were given the final say as to whether they wanted to accept. Didn't matter if it was the Holidays, School Vacations, or Summer Vacation...they became fully engaged in the decision making process of how and where their time would be spent, and with whom. Now, HE (my ex) was always extended an invitation to come HERE if he wanted. There was never a school event, or day/week/months off that he wasn't fully aware he could spend his time coming to be with them if he wanted to. But they were not going to be forced to go to his home, or on vacations, or whatever the case may be ... without them CHOOSING if that's what they wanted to do. Many times they chose to go - many times they chose not to. He never chose to come here. Never went to school play they were in, or to see a sports game they were in...never attended a medical appt or saw them when they were sick...never once helped with their homework, or sat with them to just chat about friends, life, pressures, worries or joys! He has learned now that they are adults...that he missed out on actually being a parent. But HE CHOSE that. Not them. He was the adult in this situation, they were children. So, hopefully - your hubby will see in all of this, an opportunity to have real and genuine relationships with his children, not worry so much about whether they are there on a given holiday. Maybe he should make the trip - to just be with them. I don't know enough about your history, or hubby... to make any kind of real sense here... but that's why I asked all the questions. Maybe this will give you something to open up a conversation with him...about them. Choosing what is best for them... that is really the 'hard' part. Sometimes as the parent..the hard thing is to go, see them, spend time with them, and accept that they want to stay home w/ their families, their friends, their lives...and not be with you. Sure hope you guys get to talk about this some as we approach the holidays this year. 

I married a man with a daughter and a difficult ex-wife. She often came over with dirty clothes, no socks in the winter, etc. However, I did not always treat her as fully accepted; for that I have regret. She was just a little girl trying to cope with her daddy not living at home any more. As a young adult, she has many problems and I wish now that I had found the unconditional love to give to her that I gave to my boys. You don't get second chances; these kids are just trying to cope with a horrible situation. I hope that you can vent here, where it is safe, and then regroup and find some love to share with your step-children over the holidays. Blessings! 

Thanks guys for the comments and Paula - you know I never mind answering questions :) We have been married for 4 years. We have been together for 6. He has 2 boys who are now 14 and 11 and has a daughter who is 27. The daughter has 2 kids 8 and 1. you all know that I love my husband but am not one to mince words here. He is a terrible father. he says he loves his kids and maybe he does but he never calls them and does not do much for them. he certainly is no parent as he has no contact with them regarding school or discipline etc. Again, I love him but facts are facts and I call it like I see it (here at least). Anyway, they do always want to come visit us. They are not overly happy at home and given that he does not really parent them, our company is often much more preferred than their Moms. Plus, she is married to a man who has kids and, well there are cultural differences involved as well and they really don't like it much at home. So thinking that they don't want to come with us - nope. There are 2 of them and even when you buy the cheapest airline ticket, it tends to get costly. but it is the best bet when I have the cash to do it. however, their Mom does not want to take them to the airport and that can be a problem. it is always best in her eyes to make things harder on us. Anyway, for Thanksgiving, we are supposed to go spend time with the daughter and grandkids. I am not opposed to this at all. But the problem is, she has made clear that she has no room for us at her house and there is nothing that we can do except stay in a hotel or stay home. The whole thing gets difficult when you ad in the fact that my husband is very childish when it comes to getting his way. When I brought up the fact that we can't stay in a hotel for 14 days he threw a fit and ... well, it was not pretty. We also need to visit with his Dad who also lives in Texas but lives about 8 hours from his daughter.... It would be so much easier if Texas was not such a big state :) Anyway, as you know, I am the only one who has a paying job (He works but not for pay) and the entire financial burden is mine to bare. I had huge expenses when his Mom had her stroke and passed away. I have almost recovered but now the holidays are here. I get to have 2 weeks off for vacation starting the week prior to Thanksgiving week but will not get to have any vacation for me. I will have to use all the time and money that i might have to go to Texas. I am just having a pitty party right now - Sometimes, I just wish I could be the child and not the adult. I feel as if I give up so much to please him and rarely get any consideration for the sacrifice. I know in my heart that it is what life is - giving of oneself for their loved ones. And i know that I married a man with kids and have to be supportive. I do not want to make him choose between us as I know that would not be fair and frankly I don't mind the kids. Plus, I am aware that he would never chose me and I would not have any respect for him if he did. At some point, this will have to change. I know it. I am honestly fine with going out there for Thanksgiving as i have to work in Dallas the next week and can get some of the trip paid. it is just all the planning that has to go into it and the MONEY!!!! Sometimes, i just have to have a good cry. I guess i went from being a Single woman to being a single parent with 4 kids plus 2 grandkids. My husbands behavior is honestly much worse than a 2 yos in so many ways. Oh and as for him making the trip alone - Never will happen. It is as if he needs to have me with him for some reason. Sometimes, I think I am his security blanket. 

You do have a situation, yes you do! I wish I had solutions, but I can't think of anything helpfull! I can't blame you for wanting a good cry over it all. The thing that bothers me the most for you is that you feel a lack of appreciation for what you do. I think you are amazing for even considering what you have explained. Is there anyway some sort of compromise can get worked out with the oldest daughter taking the other 2 children in for a day, a night to give you & hubby some real vacation time off on your own for even a day? 

GG - that would be a wonderful thing but, to be brutally honest, he does not see them more than 30 days or so a year and I could not deprive him of any of that time. Truth is - he lost him Mom this year and I believe he really needs them. Plus, I believe they really need him. I've have never wanted to be a parent because I see that role having unbelievable power and consequence therefore a responsibiity that my shoulbers are just not wide enough to handle. Although I feel he is not a good parent, at least he is willing to have contact with them (not something my own father ever did with me but that is a different story). I simply can't deprive them of that time. But I also have to be reasonable. As I said, it is so hard to be the adult sometimes :) I'll probably cry tonight and try to get over some of these blues.... I used to love the holidays. I loved Christmas so much. Now, I just dread them. I think it might be part of growing up and accepting your responsibilities but I do miss the joy of giving and not thinking about the cash flow :)  

One thing - true - they like your company more than mom's because she is the full-time parent who has to set the rules down so going away for them is like vacation. These kids will be grown up before you even know it and then as adults maybe you'll be able to appreciate them more. One day you may need one or more of his three kids' help if you have a decent enough relationship. Try to enjoy the holidays, the kids may be a handful, but in time the boys will be grown and driving there on their own when they want to show up... 

Hey Eliz - thanks for all the update...and WOW! you do have your hands full! ;) I'm looking at completely changing what we do and how we do...Christmas this year...and my own kids are having FITS over it. Makes me realize I should have done this a LONG time ago! - Maybe once they think about it..they'll get used to the ideas, but we'll see...! As for the kids that will be coming back home w/ you for the holidays at your home w/ hubby... do you have your own family traditions? Things they really look forward to that you guys do each year together? Church on Christmas Eve? Go out to look at lights? Bake? Make homemade gifts? Try to focus on some of that...cause I don't think you have much you can change about the rest of this. It's really not them you dread - it's not having 'your own space and your own preferences' considered by your husband. One step at a time - maybe you two could talk about the holidays coming up...how you will be glad to make the trip w/ him, the costs financially, the time, giving up your own 'vacation' from work, etc... but once back home ... you'd love to be able to do ... for yourself. Or for the two of you. How long will the kids be with you? And do you know anyone that can stay w/ them or babysit while they are with you...even for just a 'date night out' or an overnight away. It won't hurt the kids - heck if they lived w/ you two as 'mom and dad' you would go out once in awhile...so they certainly can be left for an evening w/ out guilt. Maybe a Christmas performance or a ballet or something special you would enjoy! Give it some thought. Maybe there's a way to make you both happy. Maybe. :) Much Love. 

Wow, that is a difficult situation...I sure wish I had some solutions for you, but I just don't. We will be changing our Thanksgiving and Christmas too this year, and I am not looking forward to it. The best we can do is enjoy it as much as we can...after all, tomorrow is not promised, so we need to make the most of the time we do have. And it sounds to me like the kids like being with you! Hugs!