Diario de Sharons Victory, 06 ago. 18

Hey you guys...

I'm here lol.

As I'm sitting here trying to put in to words why I've been gone...I realize I've been gone since my dad came to visit for the first time in 6 years.

It's hard to put in to words or explain to others...but his visit wasn't good. It crushed something inside of me. One day I just laid in bed eating brownies and pizza and crying and falling in and out of sleep and stayed in bed the entire day.

If you stopped me and asked me why I was so upset I couldn't tell you...I really couldn't. I did, at some point, decide that maybe if I wrote in my journal that I could some how better understand these very powerful emotions....but I couldn't find a pen anywhere and didn't want to go in public to get one...haha

Anyway...I weigh 219 this morning....lots of binging, lots of depression...lots of missing the escape alcohol provides. Miraculously I did not drink...been 8 months now.

But I did eat hella cake, hella pizza, hella ice cream, hella brownies...

I know a few pounds is water but I'm guessing I've gained about 4-5lbs.

I'm just barely able to hold my head up and keep trying...

I think this is what happened to me before...I make it so far and then I just give up completely.

I have to believe in myself...and I have to want to live...I think that's the problem.

In order to lose weight you have to believe you can and you have to want to...and part of wanting to is wanting the life you'll have without the weight.

But what if you only want the life temporarily, for short periods of time? And then depression hits and you don't care about life?

That's when I fall.