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13 septiembre 2011

Again, it is a alovely day here in NC. I wish it was a little cooler but it is certainly better than the heat that we have all been having. I love cool crisp air and wish I was going to be here another week. But unfortunately, I am going back to Alabama for a few weeks and then Tampa. Hopefully we will have some cooler weather at home and I can sit on the porch in the AM and drink my coffee. I really love to do that. I hear that we have a few snow geese hanging in our hay field. can't wait to see them!!!!

Today is a difficut day for me - I have a discussion with our director about a job that is opening up. i would give my arm for it but I doubt that I have much of a shot. I am the most qualified for it but have not been performing up to par lately and there is a position between me and this one that has a couple of people in it. One will not get any promotion ever again but the other is doing a decent job. She is not as qualified as me, does not have as much experience as me and is not well thought of by most other people because her personality is not a great one. But she does a good job and has skills in some areasa where I am weak. if they could squash us together, we would be the perfect candidate. We are almost opposites. Anyway, I expect that I may get promoted to the level that she is in now and she may get the manager job. Who knows. She has lots of negatives to deal with... it really depends on what they want. but to pass her over would be really bad so I don't think that will happen. Anyway, all that said, I am nervous aout this meeting. i am not crazy for our Director because he is very unpredictable. I just hope he does not tell me flat out that I am not a canadidate for anything in the company. That would be very hard to take.

Oh well... What ever is will be so no need to stress over it. I will be fine and I know I have some skills :) Regardless of what happens.... I am going to enjoy this day. It is too beautiful to waste.

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12 septiembre 2011

Good Morning! It is a beautiful morning here in North Carolina. I stayed in a different hotel last night and the drive this morning to wark was lovely it was a windy road with lots of trees and beautiful small towns. It was very nice.

The weekend was decent but short. Saturday I cleaned house all day. Worked my butt off because the Dear darling had decided to have people over Saturday evening. He also tried to teach me to dance a little. I love to dance but suck at it. He is very good but has no patience for me. We used to go every Friday night to a little bar in texas with our friends. Our friend mark used to dance with me because he is patient and is a really big guy. it was easier to dance with him because i could feel him move better. Apparently i am supposed to glide across the floor. how the hell do you do that???

bottom line is - I am so sore I can hardly walk. I guess the little bit I tried to dance really was a work out for my old flabby out of shape body :) I hope he will try to teach me again.... I hurt but had a good time. I have big bruises where I hit the table and counters etc etc while i was trying to dance but they are worth it.

The party was nice. We had 2 couples over and we laughed a good bit. The DD cooked ribs on the pit and burned them a bit because he was also cutting hay. I made homemae BBQ sauce and baked beans. Friends brought potato salad and bananna pudding. I ate only ribs with a little sauce. The sauce is mustard based and not overly sweet. It has 4 TBS of brown sugar only but has a good bit of Ketchup. I also had 2 lime ultra beers (5.5 carbs) and a forced upon me margarita. Needless to say I am thinking my carbs were too high but WTH.... You gotta live :) I don't think I made the worst choices of my life.

Yeterday was not a good food day because I did not eat enough veggies nor did I drink enough water. But I did get back on the wagon pretty much and today is a new day.

I hope everyone else ha a wonderful weekend anad that you all have a great week. I am planning to do so :)

(4 comentarios)

09 septiembre 2011

It is so strange how your emotions can control you and your body. Yesterday was a bad day for me. Things just hit me and I cried most of the day. Good thing I was working alone yesterday or my coworkers would have had me committed. I just felt as if everything was against me and that I had no right to anything even health because of the way my emotions have been taking control of my brain and my actions. I was feeling a great deal of despair for some reason. I am sure it was stress related to work, husband, MIL death and the theft of my work computer and some of my best clothes (yeah, had not told anyone about that). I was just feeling worthless and so very sad.

This morning, I had a Dr appointment and weighed on my Wii (with clothes which is not normal) and I had gained 4 pounds. Now I know that i did not gain weight - this is water fluxuations and the effects of sugar alchohols - but it really upset me. I am having trouble getting my BP regulated and had to talk with her about that... Talked about the hair loss again and how I feel it is thyroid related (getting more blood work done now) and how stressed I have been with the MIL death and DDs reaction to it. She listened as she always does and asked me to try to get him to come see her. He needs medication she thinks and wants to help him. I am going to try but he probably will not go. Anyway, I was talking to her aout finding a church and death and tuff and of course my grandfather's death came up. I started crying right there in the Dr office. He died in 1982 for heavens sake!!! Anyway, that was bad...

I got to my computer finally and looked at yesterday's journal. An amazing thing happend - I smiled. A real smile. I felt so uplifted that you guys had tried to lift my spirits. Today is a new day. That is such a true and wonderful statement. I am so blessed to have frends like you and the opportunity to talk with you. I am so blessed to have the ability to share my thoughts and feelings. I have so many things to be thankful for and I know I deserve them. I know I am going to win at whatever I do. I have already won so much. I am proud that I have lost 40 to 44 pounds to date (depending on which number you believe). I am proud that i have found the discipline to log my food. I am prouder of the fact that i know I have a strong will and the ability to get through anything life throws at me. I can do it!!!

Yes - today is a new day and my life is anything i want it to be.

(6 comentarios)

08 septiembre 2011

I did not succeed in my goals for yesterday because I did not get all of my water in. I was better and had 3 bottles of water plus a good bit of water suring lunch. Today is a new day and I am working to get the water in already. I have a bottle sitting here and am going to drink it before I have my second cup of coffee.

As for food - yesterday was a success I think. I had salads for lunch and dinner and stayed away from the sugar free desserts. i did have a few strawberries on my salad because they were going bad. I threw away about as many as I had. Such a waste. Oh well.

My pledge to throw out some clothing also was a fail. I had to work late and did not get to that task. But I will do it!!!

(4 comentarios)

07 septiembre 2011

What a morning!!!

Yesterday I vowed to get my water in and to eat my veggies. I got close to bth goals but did not attain them. I had 2 bottles of water and then a large glass of water in the evening. not enough but a bit better than i have been. I ate an egg and peice of cheese for breakfasat around 10 am and then another egg around 1 pm. For dinner I had a big salad with tomato and edemame as well as some pot roast. Then I had some sugar free ice cream. That was bad. I am feeling so beat up these days that the treat seems necessary. I have to stop letting myself feel better with food. Aanyway, yesterday was not a total success or total failure. it was just a day.

I'm having real trouble with my Dear Darling. he is really in a bad place after the loss of his mother and I just can't understand. I am trying to listen and be there for him but some of the things he says hurts. More than that, the fact that he is hurting hurts me. I have asked him to call the man who preached his mom's funeral and I have called the hospice people to see if they have an literature than can help him (got a voice mail and left a message.. hope they call me back). I have no one to talk with about all this either. It is really hard because I am not qualified to help him and he really needs help. He wont go see anyone so... I hope we can go to church Sunday. I think it might help him. I am simply out of suggestions.

Thanks to you guys, I know that this need to be away from everyone is not abnormal. I also know that it is not aimed at me. But it still hurts as i said. I find solace in the fact that he is at least talking to me about it. I am just trying to listen and let him know that while I can't understand, I still support him. I tell him that I know this is not abnormal and that he needs to grieve. I tell him that this is not going to go away quickly and that because I don't understand, he has to tell me what he needs. If any of you have any other suggestions, please let me know.

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