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27 octubre 2011

Had a really bad migrain yesterday and did not work. Still have it toay but it is much better. My mood over the WOE results is still poor. I put on my jeans and walked to get lunch yesterday and they felt tighter than normal. Really made me mad... The walk was a little over a mile and was at least some exercise. I did the same the night before. So i did not go into a gym but i did start a bit of an exercise program. I also found some free video's that I can use in my room. I think that will be something i can do :)

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25 octubre 2011

DISGUSTED!!!!!! WARNING!!!! VENT SESSION!!!!

I am so disgusted that I did not even try to journal my food or results this weekend an yesterday.

As you know, I had a 'going' problem and went to the Dr for the solution. The solution kicked in and on Sunday, I expected to see the results on the scale. Instead, I gained 2 pounds. Now I have been home and not subject to hidden carbs in my food. I have been doing much more exercise including multiple repetitions of picking up pecans every day and walking over a mile around my property up and down steep hills. I have faithfully recorded my food and been faithful to my WOE. I even took a buddies challenge and stayed totally away from artificial sweetners. And drank only water enuring I got at lease 64 oz a day.

I still have a going problem and am taking the recommended fiber laxitive as well as the Fiber Tabs I purchased. Since Thursday, I went once and that was prior to the weigh in.

I am so disgusted and full of fear that it is rediculous. Wha is happening to me? I dont understand. i am now up a full 5 pounds. I can't bring myself to record the new weight but it was 181. My wii said i gained 2 pounds in 2 days and that was including my 5 hours or so spent on the potty!!!!!!!

I have cried and yelled and looked at my food and well you name it - I have done it and felt the emotion. I have tears in my eyes just typeing this now. Maybe i am not mean to be successful at this task. Maybe I am mean to be fat forever. I don't know but to have been so faithful to the WOE and reasonable successful at it for so long and now start gaining with no apparent reason is more than i can take.

I just don't know what i am going to do. but i wanted to tell you all so you will know what happened if I dissappear. I don't really plan to but at this point, a carb ladened pig out seems rather comforting :( A friend an I are going to talk about this tonight but .... I am not stupid and know this WOE. Not sure there is anything the talk can really help me with. But I will try.

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21 octubre 2011

I WILL start Tuesday!

This is a happy day. Fist it is Friday and we all know I get rather chearful on Friday :) Can you say "don't love my job??" :) Also, the weather is amazing. The trees have wonderful color and the sky is blue and the air is crisp (we had a frost last night) Oh what a wondrous day!!! I totally love this time of year. Yesterday, finally, the earth moved and I was in the potty for about 8 hours. Now my tummy hurts but I should be cleaned out and that is a wonderful thing. Did not get on the Wii this morning - not sure why but I think it may be because I worry that the weight gain was not all poo. Who knows. The bottom line is that I record on Sundays so this is not a big deal. Plus, I would not want to know an artificially low number. I could not stay in the little room every day and I can see that i might be tempted to do so.

Today is a day that I need to get some real work done... Probably will not and will leave early though. I need to get my motivation to do work back but..... guess it is not going to happen.

I am excited about tomorrow. Going to walk through the woods and mark the trees I want to keep. I am sad about cutting them as I love them and love the woods. But I have to get them cut for both the money and the land. Can't fence it in with all the trees and the cows will need grass. Can't grow grass in a forrest so - bye bye trees. I'll keep some of the hardwoods though and let them grow :)

Hope to day is a wonderful day for everyone. It will be for me.

(4 comentarios)

20 octubre 2011

I will start Tuesday!!

I went to the Dr this morning. She x-rayed my tummy and found that my diagnosis was correct. I am full of shit. No blockage that she could see just Poo. So she gave me some stuff to drink and told me to get ready to be sick and in the bathroom all day. I said I did not care what happened - I needed some relief :) So i drank it and am now waiting for the earth to move......

I got on the Wii this morning so I could be prepared for the scale monster.... no loss of course. I had actually gained .2 pounds. My guess is that the number in the AM will be much better :) Probably will still not record anything until Sunday. no need to have an artificially deflated number here that I will be depressed about when I am above it the next week. but hopefully, I will not get in this shape again. She told me what to take everyday from now on and i will try that. Maybe i will become one of those people who goes daily :) What a change that would be.

For those that did not read yesterday's post - Tuesday is the day. I have decided that i am going to start an exercise plan on Tuesday. I will do this. I will!!!

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19 octubre 2011

What a day - still don't want to do any work!!!! it has gotten pretty cool here and I LOVE it. it is gray outside but I still enjoy knowing that it is 'sweater weather' :) last night, i went through almost all my drawers and a box full of summer stuff. itried everything on and if it did dot fit, it went into a pile. if it fit, and I wanted it, I put it in a box for storage. Winter stuff got put into the drawers and i bagged up the big stuff and took it to the Victims services place at lunch today. Yippee. They got a bunch of stuff and I got rid of a bunch of things I would put on if my gut started to get bigger again.... This was a win for everyone. I don't want 'fat' clothes in my house anymore. it is too easy to say I will just wear these pants because they are not as tight and uncomfortable... then keep eating until those are tight and move up another size. you don't realize what you are doing if you don't have to buy new clothes when you do it... Anyway, that was a good thing for me to do and i have much more left to do. I have a problem with clothes - I buy way too many. And I keep them forever. no matter what i weigh, my tops are always large or XL becvause I have big boobs that don't get smaller when I do. SO, I have sweaters that i bought in the 80s and 90s. I can still ear them and sometimes do. Anyway, I am trying to get rid of them some... I just want some space in my closet!!

I had been trying to find a pair of jeans. I bought them when I fist met my husband and i was at my smallest. They are cruel girl jeans and I don't care much for them but he liked them. I finally found them. Come to find out, they are size 11 jeans. I must have already started going back up when i bought them... I put them on and they are actually a bit loose. My Gap Size 8's fit me the best now but I a always scared to put them on in case they are tight. My brain just will not accept that they fit me. Oh well... Someday it will figure this all out :) The thing is, a size 8 has alays been my goal. ialwasy thought i would not look good at a size 6 or smaller. now, I am there but i am still fat. Really fat when you look at the scale. And when you look at me naked. I dont need to get into a smaller size but still need to lose weight and fat. it is a quandry for sure. As I said yesterday, I believe it is time to build muscle and forget about the weight. not that I don't believe I need to check the scale and still lose pounds but I need to loose them in the right way and in the right places.

All this talk is really me just psyching myself up to get to it. Good intentions and all that. I know everyone has the same amount of time in a day. We all make our choices of what to do with it. Some may be able to plan and just get right to it. others have to fret about it a while and eas into change. I am the latter. i fret and fret and fret. i make excuses upon excuses. I can list so may reasons why i don't have time to get to the gym or do exercises. The truth is that i am lazy i guess. i don't want to really change my lifestyle. Changing my WOE was easy... this is not. This takes actual movement on my part and change in the way i live my life. I don't live this way because it is hard ... it is easy to live as I do. it is the way i want to live. Just as it is easy to eat the candy bar because i want to eat it and it tastes good. My life is easy on me. i want to scream that i am not ready to change it. it has worked for me this far. I am scared to change it. What if i don't get the results I want in the gym? What if it hurts? What if I get so hot looking that I am tempted by other men? The only times I had 'boyfriends' in my past were times when I had been going to the gym. maybe that is what I am scared of.... Who knows. but there is something that is paralyzing me...

i will change. i will rearrange the 24 hours of my life and figure out how to fit this in. i will do it.... I must do it.... Somehow i am going to find the motivation to jump this hurdle and get my sweat on. Easy is rarely the best thing for us. i know that. Somehow i am going to get going. i dont want to read this journal next month and still be saying the same things. I will overcome this fear and paralysis that has total control over me right now. Why is 'just do it' such a difficult phrase!!!???

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